So someone asked me to write my story on how I came to Islam. They wanted to publish it in a newsletter for a company to teach english abroad. Anyway, I wanted to share with you the story. I have explained the story (even in writing) many times before. But never officially wrote it formally. I tried to tell you this story recently but I'm not sure if you ever really understood how or why I converted to Islam....
I grew up in a Christian family, non-denominational. I considered myself to be what I thought was religious then. I followed what I thought was right and the commandments I was taught. I had always strong core beliefs in God and sought to establish a strong relationship with him. When I was a teenager, I decided I wanted to become baptized. As in the Christian faith, this is an individual choice. It was what I wanted because I was taught it was the next step on the path to walking with God. But, there were always things I questioned within Christianity. I attended church every Sunday, along with occasional additional courses here and there. The biggest inner conflict to me, and to many others alike, is the teaching in Christianity and the Bible teach there is only one God, yet trying to make and explain how three are all in one. The basis and fundamental part of Christianity I felt was faulty. Yet I continued to call myself a Christian and believed because it was what I am told is correct and the only way into Heaven, and that is where I want to ultimately be.
Still, I struggled, the Bible said that God says there is no God other than him. And to not worship anyone else, yet we call Jesus our Lord. But they call it a trinity, 3 as 1. It conflicts to me, but maybe I just don't fully understand it's magnitude, perhaps it's beyond me. This is what everyone around me believes, so it must be true, I kept telling myself. I never found any other answer to why these things weren’t clear. I had known and been around many good people who were Christians. They were nice and clean people, who appeared on the outside to lead good lives. The religion didn’t require too out of me or sacrifice so it worked. And I had yet to find a clearer message.
From a young age I had always wanted to marry and have my own family. Being raised as an only child be a single mother, coming from a family of singles mothers and divorces, I wanted nothing more but a big strong family. Inspired by a marriage course I took at my church, I believed that in order for God to give me a righteous husband and family I had to do my best to do things his way and be the best Christian I could be, in order to find the same qualities in a partner. I was determined to never date until I found someone worth marrying. While I was in high school I had met some friends who were middle eastern from varies countries. I found most Middle Eastern's call themselves Muslims. But I didn't know much about the religion, as everyone I knew who was a muslim, didn't practice nor talk about it. I found that the guys who called themselves Muslims, often had qualities I was looking for; mainly they wouldn't drink, respected their mothers, had strong family ties.
Finally, when I was 21, I met a boy, and thought this was the one I would marry. He had the looks and all the qualities I thought I wanted. Though I never saw him practice or ever talk about Islam. The only thing he ever told me was that he wanted his children to be raised Muslim (this is law in Islam, all children follow the religion of the father) I objected of course. I didn't understand why someone who didn't practice their religion, it could be so important to. And because I considered myself practicing my religion thought I had the upper hand and right to raise children under my beliefs (as in hispanic culture the child is raised what the mother is).
So we went our separate ways. I was devastated and heart broken. So just as I always had done whenever I felt lost, I went to the bookstore in search of knowledge. With the intention of finding a good self-help read, I ended up leaving with two books, The Quran in English translation, and Islam for Dummies. I wanted to know what Islam really was and what it meant to bring up children in. I began reading and researching online. The more I learned the more I loved, it was everything Christianity taught and also what it was missing. So pure and crystal clear. I found this to be the truth, and something I could never deny. I became so afraid to call myself a Muslim. I laugh at this now, but I remember thinking how scary it was to be associated with this religion. I was so afraid of what my friends and family would think.
During this time, it was the beginning of Ramadan, the holy month of fasting. I decided I would try to fast the month, just to see if I could and what it was like. Meanwhile, I began learning how to pray though youtube videos. Towards the end of the month, on the 27th night of Ramadan, I asked my friend to take me to a mosque. On this hot summer night, in a small, over-crowded room of the women's section; I said my Shahada, the statement declaring there is Only one God, and Muhammed is His last and final messenger, thus making me a Muslim.
When I first converted, I said I would never cover my hair and wear a hijab. I was always concerned with my appearance, makeup, hair and fashion. I could never see myself "toning" it down. I said I would perhaps wear it in old age, or possibly never. Because there are some muslim women who choose not to wear it, this was my understanding at the time.
Then after almost a year of being Muslim, I went to a weekend Islamic convention. There were so many beautiful, fashionable Muslim women who were covered in style. I saw them so beautiful and I was in complete awe. From this day, it began tugging at my heart. I would wear hijab on Fridays for Friday prayer, and kept it on the whole day. Little by little I wore the scarf more and more. Soon it became that I was wearing it everywhere but at my work. I felt something strong inside me, it was as though when I wasn't wearing it something was seriously missing. I went on a vacation, and upon returning to work I decided to return wearing hijab. During this time, I worked in cosmetics retail and makeup artistry, so I wore my hijab very stylishly, to reflect my surroundings. It became apart of my wardrobe and I began coordinating it with my outfits and makeup. I was very pleased with the responses I was getting as well. In my work I got very positive attention and feedback.
My family saw me learning and observing aspects the religion, and it was very difficult to explain things and justify things to them. My family would just say how ridiculous it was, not taking it nor me seriously. Some family members refusing to speak with me. I was not allowed to family functions and gatherings, they said if I wanted to come around them I would have to take off my scarf. I explained to them that's just not a possibility. They are still struggling with it today, even though 4 years have gone by. I think there will always be a need to fight for what we believe in.
