This is my first post, I have always been a big blog reader and never had the intention to write my own. Though I have always loved writing since I was a child, I'd never know where to begin or what to have a blog about. I decided to call it a "Letter to my Mother" after wanting to write my mother countless letters on what is going on with me in my life and have forms of open communication with her. In fear of them never being read by her, possibly being deleted before ever being opened, I decided to post them as so that they will never be lost. I am an extremely private person, so I'm not sure exactly how this will work, or how much information I will reveal. I just want to somehow have an outlet for my feelings in hopes of them one day reaching my mother, therefore, I shall dedicate this blog to her... The most amazing woman I have ever known.

Let me begin by explaining to you why she is so amazing. First of all, she raised me, all by herself, and did an incredible job at that. I, of course, never knew that growing up, sadly. As most children/teenagers can be disrespectful and ungrateful. I was an only child, and my mom's world. She gave me everything I ever asked for, as damanding as I was, and she was a middle-class single mom, but she did everything she could to give me what I wanted. My upbringing wasn't perfect, but she did the best she could. And she raised me well because I grew up with high morals, faith, standards and values. Alhamdulliah, all praise and thanks to God. I am so grateful for my upbringing and the life I had, because it brought me to where I am today, and it kept my wholesome and away from trouble. This is what I am most thankful for. My mother did everything she could to make sure I went to the right schools, lived in the right neighborhoods, and kept a close watch on what I did and who my friends were. As an adult, and I see others who grew up in this city, are around my age, even my own family members, and the lives they lead, with the choices they have made. I am so incredibly thankful I did not end up this way. And of course, its the will of God, but I also thank my mother. Most importantly I always had a close relationship with God, my mom kept me in church, and encouraged me to know God, and I always had strong faith because of this. My close relationship with God, caused me to question things within christianity, which eventually brought me to Islam. Another significant thing I remember growing up, was my mother's censorship from a young age. I always attended public schools, and there was always peer pressure with music, fashion, drugs, boys, etc. from little to big things. Somehow, even when I wanted to go astray and make a wrong choice, I was always very much protected. Alhamdulliah. I remember a specific time, my mother found a substance on me and completely flipped my life upside down. She sent me to live with my father for 8 months, I changed schools, friends, everything. All to ensure I never did this again, and it also instilled a fear in me, some people may not understand what this means, or think its something negative but its not. That is the same fear we have to fear the wrong, fear what is evil, or fear punshiment, fear authority, fear God. It is when this fear is absent, when people give into their desires, and what the wrong paths.

Now as an adult I have learned that as a parent, their role is to raise a child, teach them right from wrong, and give them the tools they need to make their own choices in this world. Of course, everyone has a different definition of what success is in this world. The other day someone had told me about a rotten man (I wont go into his details, just know he's evil, an opprossor, if you will) and I was asking about his family, she says "Oh his children are amazing" I asked "How so?", she replied, "Oh they graduated college, and right out of college, they got high level jobs" I was dissappointed. I said "Oh I thought by amazing, you meant in their character". I then realized how differently I see the world from some people. How can we be defined by our education or job title? When questioned in the grave, the angels will not care what you did for a living! These things wont get you into Heaven!

Back to my mother, lol, I have tried very hard to let her know how grateful I am to be her daughter. To let her know what an amazing woman she is to me, and how much I want her back into my life. But everytime I am either not replied to at all, or if it is in person its a very cold, harsh and mean way, so much that it feels very discouraging and makes the next time that much harder for me to do. Still I am now older, and left with these memories in which I appreciate her more and more. I pray that one day we can have a better relationship than ever before. I pray that one day, when I'm married with children, she will be around, and we will be happy, as a family, working out our differences inshAllah.