Tuesday, October 30, 2012

End of Oct/Dhul-hijjah

Dear Mom,

I miss you. We are just passing the time of Hajj, where Muslims who are able to do so, make their pilgrimage to the Holy city of Makkah, as it is prescribed as one of the five pillars in Islam. Those who do go we ask to make prayers for us, as their is a greater chance to God accepting and granting their prayers and what they ask for. I asked those I know who went to prayer for two things for me, it is for you and I to have a relationship again, and also for a righteous spouse. These are the two things I want in this world more than anything, and my prayers I pray everyday for as long as I can remember.

I have been feeling so alone lately mama. I can't help but feel sad and miss you so much. I am like a stranger in this world, and though I am completely okay with that, and in Islam it is a good thing. As our Prophet (peace be upon him) said we should be like strangers in this world, and live like travelers, as this life is temporary and we aren't suppose to fit in with this corrupt society we are surrounded by. So I am grateful for this and fine with. But it just can be an alone feeling sometimes. To not have a family around me who wants anything to do with me, and to want one so bad. I wish for a family of my own, and for you to return into my life. I know you think those two cannot coincide together, but I pray that somehow God works it out for me. Even if it is only in Heaven, that will be perfect for me, because it will be everlasting and eternal. Not like the short timing of this world.

I am so grateful for Grandma. I am so blessed to have her support me and love me, and be there for me. Though we do have our differences and their are things she doesn't like nor understand. It is a test for the both of us to be patient and considerate of one another. I try my best not to upset her, as she has done so much for me. Though she easily gets impatient and can be quick to make assumptions, I think I am forcing her to expand and open her mind more than she has ever had to before. I also hope that I am able to rub off on her more positively than I realize and their are greater advantages than we know of to us being together. And I am certain of the wisdom of God in why we are together now. Though I miss you dearly and wish I could be by your side, if only it was for a few moments. I miss everything about you and wish I could somehow make you see that...
 

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Naseeb

Dear Mom,

There is this boy... lol. As you know, and as I always have since I started noticing boys, I am looking for my husband. Though my criteria has changed over the years, alot,  thank God. Even in the past few years that you have been away from my life, I have learned a great deal of what exactly it is I am looking for. And as you would think, as I did in the past, my criteria was height, looks, money and charm. Definitely not these things any more! And I thank the Lord for that, for showing me that these qualities don't make good husbands! But, what I am looking for is someone who obeys his Lord... entirely, and puts God first more than ANYTHING else in this world. A good Muslim, who is striving to reach Jannah. Also someone with good character, someone who is kind to others and treats his friends and family with utmost respect and honor. I'm looking for someone with a beard, as I believe that is a commandment from God, because the Prophet (peace be upon him) said "Trim closely the moustache, and grow the beard" (Bukhari & Muslim). A famous Islamic speaker (Yusef Estes) said that men aren't the ones who grow their beards, it is God that grows their beards, they are the ones who remove them. Just as everyday men shave their faces, only to find it grow back the very next day, and some can't grow any (due to Allah's will). Scholars say removing men's facial hair is imitating the women, because it is what sets them apart from us. So I believe it is obligatory on a man, and I have turned down people before over this issue alone, as it is an indicator for me that we may have different understanding of Islam, and that is a big deal to me.

So back to the boy, lol. You know when telling stories I have always gotten ahead of myself and love to tell 20 different things at once lol. I don't really know him, at all in fact. I don't even know his name. But the very first time I saw him was actually at a Yusef Estes event (the guy I mentioned above, haha, I didn't even do that on purpose). He was volunteering at this event, which caught my eye, because he is from the arab gulf region, called a khaleeji, meaning he's from a country such as Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Qatar etc. I really hope he's saudi, because I love saudi and want to live there, don't get scared mama, I'll post about this another time! But the problem is with these types of guys it is extremely hard to find a practicing good one (amongst other minor details lol). So anyways, he was volunteering there, which is like omg wow so rare! Plus he had a beard, which can also be challenging to find a young single guy with a beard these days. Then came Ramadan, and I'd see him praying taraweeh and also he came for tahajuud, I saw him every night (wasn't trying to look, but I'd see him often lol) So yea, many brownie points for this guy. And time has passed and I've seen him around at the mosque, I asked a few people, but nobody seems to really know him. It's hard because we don't mix genders. That's pretty much it, I don't want to push it too much because I believe if it is meant to be it will happen by the will of God.

I have faith and I believe in naseeb (destiny) and that God has already written my spouse for me. And nothing I do or don't do, can cause me to not be with the one who was created for me, just as nothing I do or don't do can cause me to be with anyone else but him. I ask God to bring me and all my single sisters in Islam righteous spouses and offspring whom can be the joy of our eyes, and makes us leaders amongst the righteous (25:74) And the ones who are already married, may Allah protect their unions and make them and their offspring righteous and the best of servants to Him. Ameen ya rab.
 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

my school

Dear Mom,

I am taking a class at my online Islamic university about death, the grave, afterlife, and the Day of Judgement. I love my professor, and I took a class last semester with him. The class is so interesting and I am loving every minute of it. My favorite part is learning the signs of the Hour. Though it can be challenging. I am a little worried, because I took a class with this same professor last semester and his final test (which was 75% of my grade!) was one of the most challenging tests I've ever taken. It was difficult because we have to know the chain of narrations and sources for each "saying" or dogma, I think would be the term. In Islam we must have authentic evidences for EVERYTHING from the religion. And in this there are chains of narrations upon trustworthy and pious predessors where each dogma came about and from where. There are specific and strict criteria on what makes a source authentic. And in this univeristy we must memorize them, which I find challenging, hopefully it become easier as I get used to it. In school previously, I was used to just memorizing the content. I guess that is Islam though. SubhanAllah.

Here's a video that is short but pretty moving, similar to what I am learning in my class...




I am mostly attending this university to gain the knowledge for myself and to pass it on to my future children. That is what is most important to me in this life. I also have been thinking about teaching maybe in an Islamic school. Such as my local mosque. I am tired of the beauty industry. It is so superficial and artificial, and everyday feel less and less like I fit in there. I think I have done my time in this cosmetic world, and am now a different and much better person than the materialist girl who started there out of high school. Alhamdulliah.

This is my first post, I have always been a big blog reader and never had the intention to write my own. Though I have always loved writing since I was a child, I'd never know where to begin or what to have a blog about. I decided to call it a "Letter to my Mother" after wanting to write my mother countless letters on what is going on with me in my life and have forms of open communication with her. In fear of them never being read by her, possibly being deleted before ever being opened, I decided to post them as so that they will never be lost. I am an extremely private person, so I'm not sure exactly how this will work, or how much information I will reveal. I just want to somehow have an outlet for my feelings in hopes of them one day reaching my mother, therefore, I shall dedicate this blog to her... The most amazing woman I have ever known.

Let me begin by explaining to you why she is so amazing. First of all, she raised me, all by herself, and did an incredible job at that. I, of course, never knew that growing up, sadly. As most children/teenagers can be disrespectful and ungrateful. I was an only child, and my mom's world. She gave me everything I ever asked for, as damanding as I was, and she was a middle-class single mom, but she did everything she could to give me what I wanted. My upbringing wasn't perfect, but she did the best she could. And she raised me well because I grew up with high morals, faith, standards and values. Alhamdulliah, all praise and thanks to God. I am so grateful for my upbringing and the life I had, because it brought me to where I am today, and it kept my wholesome and away from trouble. This is what I am most thankful for. My mother did everything she could to make sure I went to the right schools, lived in the right neighborhoods, and kept a close watch on what I did and who my friends were. As an adult, and I see others who grew up in this city, are around my age, even my own family members, and the lives they lead, with the choices they have made. I am so incredibly thankful I did not end up this way. And of course, its the will of God, but I also thank my mother. Most importantly I always had a close relationship with God, my mom kept me in church, and encouraged me to know God, and I always had strong faith because of this. My close relationship with God, caused me to question things within christianity, which eventually brought me to Islam. Another significant thing I remember growing up, was my mother's censorship from a young age. I always attended public schools, and there was always peer pressure with music, fashion, drugs, boys, etc. from little to big things. Somehow, even when I wanted to go astray and make a wrong choice, I was always very much protected. Alhamdulliah. I remember a specific time, my mother found a substance on me and completely flipped my life upside down. She sent me to live with my father for 8 months, I changed schools, friends, everything. All to ensure I never did this again, and it also instilled a fear in me, some people may not understand what this means, or think its something negative but its not. That is the same fear we have to fear the wrong, fear what is evil, or fear punshiment, fear authority, fear God. It is when this fear is absent, when people give into their desires, and what the wrong paths.

Now as an adult I have learned that as a parent, their role is to raise a child, teach them right from wrong, and give them the tools they need to make their own choices in this world. Of course, everyone has a different definition of what success is in this world. The other day someone had told me about a rotten man (I wont go into his details, just know he's evil, an opprossor, if you will) and I was asking about his family, she says "Oh his children are amazing" I asked "How so?", she replied, "Oh they graduated college, and right out of college, they got high level jobs" I was dissappointed. I said "Oh I thought by amazing, you meant in their character". I then realized how differently I see the world from some people. How can we be defined by our education or job title? When questioned in the grave, the angels will not care what you did for a living! These things wont get you into Heaven!

Back to my mother, lol, I have tried very hard to let her know how grateful I am to be her daughter. To let her know what an amazing woman she is to me, and how much I want her back into my life. But everytime I am either not replied to at all, or if it is in person its a very cold, harsh and mean way, so much that it feels very discouraging and makes the next time that much harder for me to do. Still I am now older, and left with these memories in which I appreciate her more and more. I pray that one day we can have a better relationship than ever before. I pray that one day, when I'm married with children, she will be around, and we will be happy, as a family, working out our differences inshAllah.